So I said to myself

What is this that I am seeing?

No matter where I turn, and no matter where I look,

I see a sadness, I see a loneliness, sometimes hidden, but there. It’s in the silence, it’s in the talk, it’s in the laughter. You have to have eyes and ears to see and hear it, but it is there. They are desperadoes waiting for a train.

Oh laughter too, but fleeting, like a cover for a desperado afraid of the posse, but cannot admit it. A fear of something coming, but knows not what.

I hear the sounds of silence screaming at me. It is getting louder now as the end draws nearer.

I see a busy people, busy doing this, busy doing that, but then I wonder, what are they running from? And what are they busy about really? Is this their way of escaping the ill wind that blows here? Mary and Martha came to mind, What is going on here on Earth, anyhow?

Seems like no one knows how to stop now, get off, stop to smell the roses or watch a butterfly. Like the HOPI said you need to do, those wise old Native American Elders, but we are to busy, I have this I must do. Really? Must you? Really?

Seems like everyone is running against the wind, and when they look down, for all the running, for all the steps, for all the working, tears, hopes and dreams, for all of everything, they are still in the same place – is there any way off this place?

A treadmill, is seems, a corporate world of dog eat dog, of devour and destroy, hopes of gain, hopes of promotion, hopes of an office, hopes of “making it” and then the ladder falls over as you get to the top and end up with your face in the dirt, eating worms. For what? Have any of them ever thought about that? Most likely not, too involved in the world to take notice. They take life for granted. It can be snuffed out in an instant.

“Ye cannot serve two masters, and what have you gained in all of this, except to have lost your soul?” It rang in my ears, I heard it somewhere. As I looked at the wreckage of lives lost, of lives ruined by false hopes, false dreams and shattered lives, I began to weep – what happened here?

Why is this so? Maybe the answer was just ahead. In the mist along the road I walked, I saw a grave yard coming into view, through the gentle blowing fog. Maybe I would find an answer there, I thought. Maybe, I mean it might be possible…

So I walked into the grave yard and a looked at all the headstones, one by one, names, dates of their lives, carved in marble and stone, some kind words here and there, – someone must have loved them, I thought, but where are they now? Would any of them be called forth in the first resurrection? I wondered, I hoped so, but then I knew most did not even believe in anything really, not really.

To all the names,  all the flowers, and I thought to myself – so many loves, so many tears shed, so many hours of labor, so many pains, so many fears that must have gone through their minds – why am I here, what is all of this about? I listened through the drifting fog, the moon beginning to rise. I thought I heard weeping in the distance. Soft. I thought of Rachael and her Children. Maybe it was her, I thought – the hopelessness of it all , but we cannot admit we need help.We cannot admit we need each other. We cannot admit we need a redeemer…

I saw a cross. I heard His mother crying. Then I knew there was an escape. A way out, why so few take it, I wondered. I saw a sign, it read KING OF THE JEWS. Oh my God, what He went through for us. Do we know? Do we even care? I am a Judas, I admitted to Him. I have failed you in every way possible, betrayed everything you stand for at one time or another. Why did you bother? How can you love any of us?

Maybe there really was a redemption from all of this. I looked at all the stones, I wondered again, did any of them journey to the foot of that cross? Did they have their heavy burdens lifted? Did they have all of their fears taken away? Did they ever see what true love, divine love really is? I wondered in silence as I looked at the grave stones. So many….

I hurt tonight, every bone in my body aches. I buried my son today, it was so tough, why? Sons are supposed to bury their dads, not this way. The cries go into the night sky, but the answers never come back. Loved ones gone. We go to the service, we try to comfort the loved ones. No words, there are no words. We go to the grave site, we hear the words, we walk away in silence, but we cry against the darkness, against the night. Are there any answers to any of this? A life now gone. His or her fears, hopes, dreams, loves, pains all gone now.

But I have to get up and work, no choice, no choice at all. I hurt so much now, getting old. Nothing works well –  where are my glasses, I know I put them down somewhere – boy my foot hurts today, and my fingers don’t do what I want them to do, wish I was 18 again – well maybe…Getting hard to tie my shoes, better get something else. Can’t put on my socks anymore, so I go without…

My car keys, where did I put them, I got to get to town, I am so tired. My eyes don’t see like they use to, my night vision is almost gone – God I am so alone now – will it ever end? I saw this really pretty woman at the store, I wondered if she knew about the Lord.

Memories, they fade in the mists of time now, I remember Mary, sweet Mary, she had such a smile and the most beautiful deep eyes, my anchor in the storms that came – buried her 15 years ago now, I think it was. Miss her so much now – still think I may see her in the kitchen cooking. I hope so, so lonely now, so tired. I’m just waiting to die now, neighbor of mine said the other day as he slowly walked by – all bent over with a cane. “Just waitin to die”. Maybe he’s right, maybe that is all there is. Does he really know what he is sayin’? I wondered. I don’t think so. As I watched him vanish down the dirt road a tear came to my eye. Should I tell him what I know?

And I said to myself looking at the grave stones,

Did any of them find what they were looking for?

Did they think life was going to go on, did they realize how fragile they were, that it would all come to an end, sometimes over a long and agonizing time, sometimes in an instant – you never know you know, never. Maybe it is good we don’t, I thought to myself.

I bent over a grave stone, my glasses had misted over, so I had trouble reading what it said – so I wiped the foggy mist from them and slowly put them back on, and bent over again to see the name – I stood there in total  shock – it was my name. But there was no date on it yet –

So I knew then that I too was mortal, and that I too was scheduled to be taken away – and would anyone stand over my grave and wonder who was he anyway? Would they look up at the night sky and wonder? Or did it matter anyhow?

Did these others ever hear the answer blowing in the soft gentle winds of twilight? Had they asked, had they searched out the answers with all of their heart, mind and soul? Or had the cares and pleasures of this life got in the way?

Did they realize that that report they had to finish would never be finished? Did they realize that their boss would get a call saying “Betty will not be in today, Betty died last night”. Do you hear me? I plead with you, through my tears, do you hear me? Not just listen, but actually hear me?

Did they ever get a glimpse of true love? Did they ever find it? Did they look, search it out, get through all the opposition of the world, get past the strongholds, get past the battle lines of the enemy, wage a war as though their lives depended upon it? Or did they just settle for whatever because they did not know what else to do? I wondered as the fog of the past rolled by and through me. I thought how short the time, how but a glimpse of eternity we are given even if we lived hundreds of years.

Did they have any glimpses of what lay ahead of them? Or did they know not where they were going?

So then I drifted out of the grave yard and walked up this little dirt road, the moon coming out now, casting a ghostly shadow. I came across this old farm house, falling down – windows shattered, door ajar. I walked inside and looked around.

I wondered who had put all their blood, sweat and tears into this place? I wondered how their dreams must have inspired them, kept them going through many a hard year. What dreams were hidden in here?

If I listened could I hear the laughter of children? Could I hear a couple speaking of their undying love for each other? Could I hear the soft gentle fire burning in the old wood burning cook stove? I cocked my head to listen – I thought I could smell fired potatoes and eggs cooking. Soft footsteps – yes, yes… there it was, two little girls and a son. Laughter, coming down the stairs, ready for the school bus – yes, I could hear it now.

Oh what dreams they must have had I thought. What a future they must have had – but it was all gone now. It all faded away from me. I turned to leave and I sat down on the steps of that old farmhouse and bawled like a baby. It is all so fleeting, all so fleeting. The minutes slip through our hands so fast. So many things we should have done. So many loved ones we failed somehow.

The loves, the holding of ones so dear. The kisses, the promises. The years they all go by so fast. All so fleeting, all over so quickly. Do you know that? Do you know what I am saying here? Are you hearing me? Eternity is forever, there is no such thing here.

Someone, maybe, will stop by your house when it is all fallen in, and they will wonder what your life was like. Will they wonder what happened here? What dreams there were here, and what hopes, what loves, what fears, what sicknesses, what promises were made and broken here. Do you suppose?

Do you hear me now? Can you hear me now?




  1. I have been weeping for days now. Don’t know what it means except that I cannot study, cannot concentrate, Reading this post makes me feel sad and lonely. The sorrow just does not go away. This post just reminds me that I am not alone in my sorrow.


  2. I will also be posting this on my wall. I have often thought about someone looking back at my life, years gone by, and wondering about me. The only thing that ultimately matters is whether or not one is an over comer and a possessor of The white stone. Separate from this, there is only human kindness . .. or the lack there of.

    Stewart, your writing touches, nudges, and warns us in the spirit. I thank God for you every day.


  3. This has been one of the saddest and most true pieces of writing i’ve read. It pierces the soul of those who are aware of the state of this world. The souls in this prison planet are but a breath away from either the glory with which God has prepared for them or the hell enlarged because of sin has been waiting for them.

    I had a dream (though it felt like it was not at all a dream) in which an angel came to me and said Jesus will come to you soon. I have no doubt that it was from the Lord. When all around us is death, hunger, sadness…Jesus is the refuge, the escape hatch.

    Thank you Stewart for being an obedient servant to the Almighty God and the call He placed on you. Your rest is sure in Him.

    “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
    But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not.
    For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better…” Philippians 1:21-23


  4. I was a bit uncertain too as I read…you spoke of seeing your own headstone, which I took as figurative…but then of burying your son and remembering Mary. I’ve never had children. Looks like I probably never will in this life, so I wouldn’t begin to know what it would be like to lose one…only that some part of you must die with them. The Lord knows whom are his and who are not and we can’t alter the fate of others even slightly. And that’s the hardest part for us…so
    helpless in it all. There’s nothing we can do. We only have a few words we can give sometimes, and much of the time, not even that. Every man must bear his own burden and make their own choice in this life and receive accordingly. We don’t know what prompts some hearts to desire the Lord above all things and those that don’t. That may be the greatest mystery of all…that freewill of the heart.

    I remember a message you gave not too long ago about not looking back, never looking back, but always ahead, to the glory and victory that awaits you. Not the easiest thing to do some days but I think that applies to everyone of us on this walk…and probably you especially right now. This first world is about to pass away soon, and all the suffering and pain and fear, with everything that’s not of God, will be done forever, no more. So very very few here have a sure hope of finding that…but you do. It seems like a chaotic mess here with everything that happens in this world and in our lives, but it really isn’t. There is a perfect balance and order to it all…all of it being known and conducted by the Lord from the beginning.

    We all go in how we must,
    And how we freely choose.
    All turn from dust to dust,
    But a few find…if they lose,
    The source of their creation,
    The One who holds all breath,
    No soul can even mention,
    Until they pass through death.
    It is then the veil is lifted…
    There shines Eternity!
    And the tiny creature gifted
    With this Law of Liberty.

    This reminds me of an old Cat Stevens song as well:

    Saints sing your hearts away,
    cus while the sinners sin
    the children play.

    And O lord, how they play and play
    for that happy day, for that happy day!

    That happy day is coming soon for you Stewart…what a day that will be.


    • No, I was writing it as an old man looking back – trying to get people to realize that no matter their age, their time is short, or so short and the time sands are running through their fingers at an ever increasing rate. I maybe should have made that more clear.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. stewart, i truly truly truly wish you could put this on a form to mail to so many, i would love to have it to put up in my house somewhere for all to read, a man with a heart of gold and deep insight to mans feelings who cares and understands wrote this for sure. a blessed good man wrote this. words of wisdom worth a fortune if one would only read it at there every disposal. if you ever print this out let me know. i want a copy to go on my wall.


  6. Stewart,

    I wish to share that a “paralysis” has set into the corporate working world. While we have all been behind in our sales and marketing work for over twenty years, we are now at the point where there is more to do with less time to do it. A point where the spirit of this time and world is quenching men; they are being kept from praying with all of the reports to do, trips to take, meetings to attend and business plans to make.

    I know Agape Love, praise Jesus Christ for its bestowal and what The Lord is telling me is this…work hard each day in the business world, as unto this Lord, but once 5:00pm comes, it’s the Lord’s time. When the week end on Friday, then it doesn’t start until Monday morning.
    The weekend is The Lord’s.

    When the curses intensify and more and more breaks out, men will not be able to get out of the way; their paralysis will kill them and their own.

    Your essay speaks to the vanity and the paralysis that has emerged very recently that will now take a great toll unless men see and turn back to pursue the Way.


  7. That was the most touching thing I think I’ve ever read. Tears are streaming down my eyes and I am sobbing. My spirit has been grieving greatly as of late and perhaps this is why. Thank God for giving you the ability to write so beautifully and express your feelings for those of us who are unable to do so in words.


    • My eyes are swollen from so much crying…. Well, maybe not my eyes… do eyes get swollen really? or is it the muscles around the eyes? Whatever the case… I have Stewart to thank. This 1st of March 2014, I will remember always in my heart and soul and mind.


  8. What a tragically poetic truth of the state of the spirit of mankind today.
    Our Savior calls, “ stop, listen and come to the cross, into my arms and bypass this fate”.
    Yet few listen and leave behind their life in the flesh, few come out of this world into the arms of Jesus.
    Time is drawing to the midnight hour and the door of Grace will be shut soon. So many screaming to be let in. “Open up-I went to church every Sunday!” Our Lord shakes His Holy head to say,” I do not know you.”
    How sad, how eternally tragic. If each of us can be a hedge for even one lost soul in this final countdown, imagine the rejoicing when they will be on the side of the door with The Almighty.
    Thank you Stewart for continuing to be a hedge up till the shout and of the beginning.
    Blessings, Glenda

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I hear you Stewart! I was bawling like a baby on every sentence. Life does go by so fast and it is so very frightening. What are we all doing if its not searching for the Lord? We waste away our minutes, spending it on television, looking for our “next” adrenaline rush but IT all means nothing if we are carried away to the lake of fire. Lord have mercy on our souls and bring us in union with you because You are our life source, without you, We have NO LIFE.
    1 John 4:18
    There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.


  10. I feel this way too. I did experience true love, but it has been gone for over five years, and all there is now is duty. Duty to try to reach my grandchildren, even though my son is an atheist. There is no joy left, but I just do what I think God would want me to do in this forsaken place.
    It is raining at last, the drought is broken. But it’s still sad.


    • Stew,

      I just read this again with my wife. As I translated out loud to her in Spanish… I bawled too! So fleeting! So fast…. In the blink of an eye. But… we have Him to thank for all this and he also is happy, know this Stewart, for your work and He will reward you plenty in Heaven… Stewart Best, your work and legacy have stirred up and woken many of the sleeping souls in the church. You have no idea how important you are. You have impacted me and my family in so many ways. We love you brother! Se you Heaven-side. ♥


  11. Yes, I heard, I felt, I saw. But, does it matter? Will I be any different? Maybe I will just go on, do the same. I have to go. I have to hurry up and wait. A train comes. To where I do not know. Nothing to see here. Must be moving on. Must be going. Is it OK if I pray? Maybe I will do that when I go. Here comes a tear. . . I better go. . .


  12. Thank you for this beautiful post Stewart, It really hit home for me.

    Attached int he email I sent out is the song, The Long Black Train with lyrics brother….

    My son was taken to hell by Jesus when he was 6 years old and he saw the long black train reaping the souls of the children!!! As it advanced chugging away at top speed the earth opened up and the train went into the pit of hell. I have the audio of his experience somewhere. Under the earth, in the entrance to hell he saw, with Jesus standing beside him, fleets and fleets of UFOs also opening their compartment doors and throwing millions of souls into hell….!!! Then Jesus said to him…. tell them to prepare. Tell them I AM COMING SOON!!

    He woke up sobbing in tears about what he saw…. changed him forever.

    Here is the link to the song

    And the original video

    Gotta love country music!!!

    ♥ Alexander Backman


  13. Wow, very sad and true! Thank you, life does go so fast. I often think of this myself. Yahuwah bless you all


Comments are closed.